A Hundred Days
by kamikumai
Summary: For all that she wanted him to belong to her and her alone she came to realize that it could not be so. Warning: canon het, implied JackDaniel. Spoilers: Set during episode 17, season 3, A Hundred Days.


**Disclaimer: **I wish I may, I wish I might... //gets grabbed by the NID, and is thoroughly beaten for even _daring _to dream.//

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**A Hundred Days**

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She knew she was attractive, both by her peoples' standards and for her age. But it was a rare occurrence that he would look at her and see a woman. There was a harsh sincerity to his claim of friendship, even as she joked to him about her mother's warning about men who wanted to be 'friends'.

"We're already friends," she'd informed him, feeling an oddly anxious sensation trickle down her throat as she waited for his response.

"Closer friends, then," he'd said. She'd laughed, glad for that much at least.

She'd been ready to leave her home, to put her complete faith in him, and to walk blind through the stone ring and its circle of water, into an unknown world. But circumstances had prevented her from doing so, and it disappointed her, that she hadn't been able to show him her trust in this manner.

She'd followed him, later, after they'd escaped from the cave and back to the village and after those words 'where it used to be', to the now desecrated land upon which the ring had stood but days earlier.

She'd lamented, with complete honesty, the fact that her people could no longer come home. But a part of her, she'd been horrified to find, took joy in the fact that Jack could no longer leave her, that he could no longer leave this world. She'd wondered how she could feel that this trade, the lives of so many of her people for one man, one who was practically a stranger at that, was fair.

However, she found strength in the fact that she had not wished for this, that it was simply a way for her to take comfort in the good that had come from this tragedy, instead of wallowing in the bad. Or so she told herself.

It wasn't long after the incident that the people of her village began to accept him. What wasn't there to accept? He was strong and kind and always willing to help, in any way he could.

In a lot of ways, he reminded her of her husband. In others, he was so much more. It wasn't as if she hadn't loved her husband, but with Jack there was a certain depth of character, a certain sadness that lurked underneath his frequently laughing eyes that drew her to him. It made her want to ease his pain. And just like that she realized she was falling in love.

Although she'd offered him a bed to sleep upon, _not hers, not yet_, he'd refused, choosing instead to sleep on the skins on the floor.

She'd wondered if it had been an innate sort of politesse that drove him to do so. It wouldn't be until later that she would realize that it had simply been a way for him to keep his distance, to make his fate seem to him a temporary ailing, one that, in his mind, he would be cured of soon enough.

She let him be, and violently repressed the urge to push for him to accept this as his new life. To accept _her_. She decided to take slow steps. So that very first morning she'd given him a shirt in the style of her people. She told him she'd made it for her husband, before his death. But that was a lie. She'd made it for him, a souvenir by which she would be remembered. Now, though, it was something that, in a small way, claimed him as hers. Or so she liked to believe.

She knew otherwise when she came to realize that in his sleep he called for the one named Daniel, whom she'd met and liked, but now to some degree resented. There was no reason, she told herself, for her to stop liking Daniel just because Jack obviously cared for him. _He cares much more than you want to admit_. She steeled herself against such thoughts; they didn't matter, _Daniel _didn't matter. Jack could no longer leave.

In the beginning the barriers around Jack had seemed impenetrable. Friendship, light-hearted but warm, being all that he'd been willing to offer. But as time passed, she discovered that little by little he started to open up to her.

Three months had passed by the time she finally dredged up the courage to ask him for more, to try and hint at what it was she so desperately desired. She'd explained to him their tradition, of mourning for a hundred days. He seemed to accept this, and she was glad. He'd even shared his kisses with her, and she'd been amazed to realize that they'd left her just a little bit giddy afterwards. She held his hand tightly.

Soon, soon he would also accept her, even if he continued to long for home, and his heart's true desire.

The desire had never left her; to try and ease his pain.

That night when they returned from the festivities, she stopped him. And somehow managed to get out what she'd been dying to have him hear.

"I want you to give me a child." It's the only way she can think to phrase it, the only thing she can offer that _he_ cannot provide.

"A child," Jack had replied stiltedly.

She looked at him earnestly, before speaking the words in her heart. It was true, she had wanted to be patient, but already she was reaching the end of her tether. She'd wanted to wait until he could let go. And she'd been able to see it in his eyes that some part of him was starting to feel like it belonged.

He'd warned her that a part of him was never going to let go. But she knew that, she'd known that for long enough that she'd realized she would have to accept it, or she wouldn't have him at all. So long as some part of him could belong to her, and her alone she would be content. Or so she hoped.

But even though Jack was tender and gentle, even though he had brought her great pleasure in the act of intimacy that they'd shared, she could feel none of his passion, of which she knew he possessed a great deal, directed towards her.

And as he'd climaxed with _his_ name upon his lips, she'd felt a deeper emptiness within her than she'd thought possible. He'd told her, and she'd thought she'd understood, that a part of him wouldn't be able to let go. What she hadn't counted on though was that that part of him would be so huge. Nor that it would break her so. Could she be satisfied with the crumbs of himself that he was willing to give her? She understood, he valued her, as well as her friendship, but he also needed comfort, in spite of the fact that he would never really love her, not while Daniel Jackson existed in this universe.

Silence had cloaked the room, and she could see it in the way he was looking at her with mild embarrassment and sincere apology but still, there was no shame in those eyes that she'd come to love so dearly, even though every single day, no matter how close she'd drawn, they still somehow managed to look straight through her.

She knew then that the pain stirring within her was nothing she hadn't asked for.

She'd tried to stake a claim on something that already belonged to another. And she'd failed.

That bond she'd tried to break ran too deep for her weak attempts to penetrate those depths; even with just a single thread, dipping just a little deeper, that had somehow slipped through into Jack's heart, in spite of that solid shield protecting it, it simply hadn't been enough.

Indeed, the shield had been far too strong for the likes of her.

The next day, she was almost speechless at the fact that what she'd thought impossible was precisely what she may have very well succeeded in achieving. She had done as she would do every so often: she had tried to leave the house with his uniform, letting him see her, and allowing him to stop her. This time, this time, however, it was different. After a slight hesitation, he let her go. He was at last letting her dispose of his past.

Finally, he'd given in!

Her heart lighter than it had been for the first time since forever, she walked to the river to get rid of these things that symbolized everything that was keeping him from her.

It was a pity how short-lived her euphoria had been destined to be.

She'd so wanted to not tell him of what she'd heard. And the whole way back, she'd debated it with herself. All the whys and why nots she could think of, for and against. In all honesty though, she had nothing to lose. But what she stood to gain would be at the cost of all that Jack had ever been until he'd met her. She didn't think that was a price she could pay.

At last, her decision came to rest with the simple fact that she wouldn't be able to forgive herself if she stopped him, if she didn't tell him. If she did that, it would do nothing but eat at her inside, and it would, without a doubt, destroy all the goodness of the love she'd nurtured all this while.

This was, she thought, the greatest gift she could ever give him. By letting him go, he would be able to have all that he desired.

He'd asked her to come with him. But she knew that she no more belonged with him, than he did with her. And she had learnt that there was no way she could settle for being his consolation prize. Even though he cared for her, she'd come to realize, such feeling had no depth. If she wanted love, she wanted to drown in it. What Jack felt for her, it was so shallow that all she could see in it was a poor reflection of herself and the selfishness she'd succumbed to in her desperate bid for his affection.

He promised that he would return, to see her.

She knew he was a man of his word. The only thing was that after all this time she'd spent watching him, she could read far deeper than the face value of those words. Even as she looked over his shoulder, she saw _him_ there, steadfastly not looking at them as she and Jack embraced. She could tell though, even at a distance, that he was waiting anxiously for Jack to be returned to him. She smiled at Jack's belief that he would someday return. She knew though that the only way that that would only happen would be if he were to lose that which he truly treasured most in the world.

Just thinking about them, made her chest ache, but it was no longer the sharp bite of jealousy. That had been replaced with a gentler emotion, if one could call envy such a thing. It was however far easier to deal with than jealously. How she envied the one named Daniel, whose name had often been found in place of where she'd wished to lay her own. She envied him for what he shared with Jack, despite the fact that she knew, because of the way they interacted, that there was nothing between them and despite the fact that as far as flesh was concerned she'd had more. But the only truth to those words, the simple thought that 'there was nothing between,' lay in their lack of a physical relationship. But there was potential. So much potential. Beyond thoughts of the flesh, they were already so inextricably bound to one another that she wondered how she had ever thought she would be able to find even the tiniest niche in which to place herself, within Jack's heart.

She also wondered how neither could see how much the other meant to him. But just as she'd been reluctant to see that Jack would never truly belong to her, it was as they said. Love is blind.

And as he walked with his team she took comfort in what she'd been given. As she placed her hands gently on her stomach, thinking that even if their intimacy did not bless her with a child, she took comfort in the fact that the only person she'd love in the same way that she'd loved her husband, had been a great man.

She smiled sadly.

Although she agreed with him that their worlds would be good friends, close friends, she could tell that, for her, this was the end.

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**Finis.**

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**Word from the Author:** Let me know what you think, uh, if you thought anything about this at all... If not, carry on! 


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